Brett Ellis on election campaigners knocking on doors

Expecting Amazon to have dumped and jumped once more, you run to the entrance, scantily clad in boxer shorts and the ‘grumpy old fart’ t-shirt the kids gave you for Father’s Day, to be met by a grinning politico. 

They are instantly recognisable with the perma-grin tattooed on their faces which must be painful as they don’t portray that look in an unguarded moment when standing on the street afterwards and logging their uninvited house call.

But this year we have local elections and, no doubt, a general election when the lack of interest, sanity or gumption of any of the major parties over the previous half a decade is expected to be forgotten about as they tell you what they will do should they get in power.

The Tory candidate will no doubt be a thin white man wearing a shirt, possibly of a Barbour vintage, as he tries to get down with his people, despite the leather brogues marking him out as a stereotypical rugger-bugger.

Labour candidates always have glasses and a demonic grin on their faces as any question over previous policy, or non-existent plans for the future, or whether they supported Corbyn, or why didn’t Starmer prosecute Saville are swiftly brushed over, excuses are made, and they make haste to an easier house who won't dare to challenge them, which is the point of them being there in the first place, isn’t it?

Brett Ellis has been studying election campaigners

The Lib Dems will be the brightest buttons, both with their attire and their demeanour, as they attempt, against hope, to buck the trend and persuade enough people that they are again the second political coming when, in reality, their small handful of MPs led by a guy who is as effective as a chocolate teapot, will be taken to the cleaners as they big up their chances before abject failure (they are the political equivalent of Tottenham Hotspur).

But then one of them will, by saying the right thing to enough of the gullible, find themselves in parliament for a term as they cash in their cheques as they continue their careers as they have before, by being brainwashed and not daring to go against their cult-like political leaders. 

They will become obsessed with Tweeting about ‘wrongs!’ as they thrash their heads up and down like braying donkeys when their leader utters some nonsense in the house in the hope they will be noticed and elevated into the shadow/ cabinet. 

Meanwhile, we wonder why we bothered answering the door in the first place and instead run the risk of our Amazon package getting nicked by the local crackhead for the 12th time this calendar year.

• Brett Ellis is a teacher.